Our favorite ladies from Litchfield are due to return to Netflix tomorrow—but before season three of Orange Is the New Black kicks off, let's rehash all of the major happenings (both inside and outside the prison walls) from season two as a refresher.
Cleaning up from season 1... Pennsatucky survived being beaten to a pulp by Piper—thanks to Crazy Eyes nailing Piper with a punch mid-fight.
We got more back stories. Lorna's fiance Christopher is actually not her fiance, but the victim of her incessant stalking (which, after she puts a homemade bomb underneath his car, lands her in Litchfield). Crazy Eyes' had a scarring relationship with her adoptive mother, and she suffers from intense stage fright. Mendoza was trading food stamps to save enough money for her and her son to escape her abusive boyfriend, but was arrested before she got the chance. Poussey had a secret girlfriend when she lived on an army base with her family in Germany—until her super-strict general father discovered them. Black Cindy was an airport security guard with sticky fingers. Sister Ingalls has a history of controversial protests. And Rosa was involved in a bank robbery ring!
A new Queen B arrived in Litchfield. Or should we call her Queen Vee? She is Taystee's former drug lord, and she has a history with Red from her last stint in prison, when she tried to take over Red's kitchen—and had her crew beat her severely to let her know who's boss. When she returns to Litchfield, Vee uses Taystee to set up a new posse for her—and they begin peddling tobacco and heroin.
But that's not the only contraband biz... After losing her kitchen to the Latinas, Red re-ups in the prison greenhouse, which has a tunnel to the outside for smuggling in the goods.
What's up with Alex and Piper? The former couple must testify in the trial of Alex's old drug boss Kubra—but Alex takes a deal after convincing Piper to lie on the stand. Alex gets out—but not really, considering Kubra didn't get convicted and she lives in fear of his revenge. Piper is spitting mad for most of the season (for obvious reasons), and convinces Polly to tell Alex's parole officer that she's planning on fleeing the country. Cut to Alex being caught in her apartment with a gun, violating her parole, and earning a one-way pass back to Litchfield.
How about piper's other lover, Larry? He's got another lover: Piper's best friend Polly (yikes). Piper finds out that he's cheated while on leave for her grandmother's funeral, Piper figures out it's Polly, and then Larry and Polly visit Piper in prison to ask for her blessing. Her response: "F—k you. F—k both of you."
Don't forget about the prison personnel. Pornstache returns, gets framed for Daya's pregnancy, and is fired. Figueroa is busy embezzling money from the prison to her husband's (who is having an affair with a man) political campaign, which Caputo discovers (with help from Piper). Caputo nabs Figueroa's position as a result (but not before nabbing an, ahem, oral parting present from her). And Bennett (Daya's real baby daddy) confesses to Caputo—who doesn't want to hear it.
Back to the prisoners: Vee and Red's showdown. First, Red strangles Vee with a piece of plastic wrap, but lets up short of killing her. Vee let's Red think that they're going to form a truce, and then shows up in her greenhouse with a lock in a sock (and you can guess what happens next). The worst part of it all? Vee makes Crazy Eyes take the fall for the brutal beating.
Don't worry, Vee gets her due. Rosa, after learning she only has weeks to live, busts out of Litchfield with a stolen prison van. During her escape, she sees an escaped Vee along the side of the road—and runs her over in the most glorious moment of the season. #ByeFelicia.
That's it for season two! Season three premieres tomorrow on Netflix—who's excited?
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