Last night, The Bachelorette took its talents to Manhattan so that the gang could have the quintessential New York experience: Rapping with Doug E. Fresh, drinking somberly on a boat, and being extras in Aladdin on Broadway. But before we get to all that, I just need to say one thing:
Worst new innovation: Cliffhanger endings
We haven't finished an episode on a rose ceremony in three weeks. By the time the following episode rolls around, I don't even care who's going home. So please, ABC, just give us back our limo breakdowns and stop trying to make shots like this happen. This thing you're doing above with the poor elevator attendant here, this is nothing.
Most likely to star in their own odd video game: JJ and Clint
Everything was off about this human interaction. Hands were held at unnatural angles. Mouths were so close together. The comebacks were abrupt and puzzling ("your tie looks nice with that shirt, you're a piece of s—t"). The graphics and the script need some work; remember, we want these two to seem like real men. Send this back down to animation and see if they can do something about Clint's forehead while they're at it.
Greatest thinking area: Kaitlyn
It was nice of young Cosette from Les Mis to let Kaitlyn borrow her place!
Most likely to have been raised on boy-band music videos: Justin
I can think of no other explanation for this hair. It must have been part of the dress code at the Ashley Angel Parker School for Boys, where pupils wore billowing white ensembles and sat atop stools in a row, purring "three cubed, that's 27, babygirl," into cordless mics.
Most unsurprising manspreader: Nick
I feel like Nick literally heard about manspreading and thought "Oh, that fits in great with my brand. Better get my hammies loose!"
Most triumphant return: Ashley S.
I'm Ashley S. and I'm fine. You needn't have worried about me. See how naturally I move about a room? I am fully clothed and I have a job with benefits. Everything is A-OK cool as long as I maintain blazing eye contact with myself in the mirror, and from the place of being a well-adjusted professional lady, I need to give you this urgent message: Chris Harrison is a goblin who laughs at me from my fire escape when the moon is full. Now sit and let me use scissors close to your neck!
Saddest Christmas puppy: Ben
Whaaaat? Kaitlyn wants Nick for Christmas? But they already put Ben under the tree with a cute holiday scarf tied 'round his neck!
Least enchanted by Nick and Kaitlyn's makeout: The Statue of Liberty
OMG this is not what America's about, will someone ship these two back to Canada? Yeah, I know he's from Milwaukee, but after what I've seen tonight, Canada can have him. Canada can have Milwaukee for all I care. I'm a beacon of freedom, dammit. I shouldn't have to see these things.
Least self-aware and thus most likely to whip out his own art while sitting in the middle of the Met: Jared
To your right, we have a 17th century seated figure carved by the Mbembe peoples, one of the earliest works of African art in existence. To your left, a poem written on the back of greasy receipts that ends with a Dumb and Dumber impression.
Best reaction to Chris's rehearsal performance: Other Ben
I love this look so much that I hereby dub Other Ben Primary Ben.
Quickest onstage performance: Kaitlyn and Chris
I like how firmly the goateed fellow steered them offstage like, "OK Grandma Marge, let's get you home, don't wanna use up all your racist comments on one baby shower, do you?"
Photos: Courtesy of ABC
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